Author: dearashsite

What Mercy Did For Me..

Last night as I couldn’t sleep I kept listening to “ What Mercy Did For Me “ by People and Songs but also featuring some amazing God fearing singers. Crystal Yates, Micah Tyler and Joshua Sherman.

As I kept playing this song over and over while also watching the video of their meaning behind it, it really got me thinking about everything God has truly done for me. This song played such a major part in me getting my first tattoo. I wanted my tattoo to be a reminder of everything God has forgiven me and brought me from and also to remind me to work on Mercy myself with other people. Learning to extend it to them as Christ did to me.

Let’s me honest. We’ve all done some things we wish we can take back, things we’re ashamed of and things we rather not discuss wether it’s going to cause judgement or not.

I’ve lied, stolen, cheated, self abused myself. I’ve watched porn before and had premarital sex. Ive been addicted. I’ve been in some dark places and have had thoughts of suicide before. I’ve given into temptation far to many times. How is that I’ve done so much wrong in my life but yet God is saying I love you still.

Mercy : compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.

The two things God is, is compassionate and forgiving. He has so much power to just strike us down and say no I can’t expect the things that you’ve done but he doesn’t.

Grace : the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

Joshua says in this song, you gave me beauty for my guilty stains. I couldn’t agree more with a line. God has taken some of the darkest areas in my life and has used them for such beautiful things. The one thing I am most ashamed of is my self harming. It’s something that I’ve dealt with and hid for quite awhile. God tells me don’t be ashamed though, You called out and I’m going to heal and restore you from this. There will be a great testimony one day for someone. I’ll never forget the night I was just truly done with everything and cried out to him in such pain. Afterwards, I felt just this overwhelming joy and peace in my heart. I felt more closer to him than ever before. Now I’m living day to day by HIS grace!

If you ask me what has Mercy done for me? I’d say it’s saved me. It renews me everyday, it’s given me hope for today, tomorrow and the rest of my life. It rescued me from darkness and told me I am called and have so much purpose. Mercy isn’t something God has its who he is!

Isaiah 58:9 “ Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. “

Isaiah 9:2 “The people walking in darkness

have seen a great light;on those living in the land of deep darkness a light has dawned.” 💙

The chorus to this goes like this.

“ Lord you found me, you healed me. You called me from the grave. You gave me a real love I thank you Jesus, you’ve washed my sins away. Oh now I’m living like I’m forgiven, you came and set me free and that’s what your mercy did for me. “

Let me ask you this, What has Gods mercy done for you?!

I encourage you today, don’t be ashamed of your past and misfortunes. I know and believe God is going to use you for mighty things. The guilty stains you have, watch him transform them into something more beautiful than you can even picture! Watch how your praise will continue to grow and grow. Gods mercies are new everyday. Those things you think you can’t be forgiven for he says you can! He loves you and so do I!

Until next time 💫

Comfort Zone …

I come to you today with another Safehouse topic inspired post! Let me just say if you’re reading this and you’re in the I.E area you should definitely get here Monday nights! ( will be more than happy to drop you that info if you would like it!) Sooo about last night, it was a great message as always and I’m ready to get straight into the question of the night.

Where has God been stretching your comfort zone? Do you see how God is using that to grow you closer to him and your purpose?

MAN..

Honestly, it’s with this blog. It’s often very hard for me to trust the topics that he puts on my heart. A lot of the time I feel like no I can’t say those things because this this and that. I fear the judgement in what I say or what I feel. I know it shouldn’t matter but for some reason for me it does. Do you ever feel a person can be too transparent? Share a little too much of their life? I know that’s what I’m trying to achieve with this blog but at the same time its really hard to just put yourself out there, to step outside of that comfort zone you’re so use to being in. I’m not even sure my feelings are even all that bad, it’s mostly just the enemy putting those thoughts in my head and me allowing them to manifest.

I know I am called though. I know God wants to use me for reasons I’m not always sure of. I often even question it. Why me? I don’t feel my life is that important or valuable. Is someone’s breakthrough really tied to my many testimonies? Am I really going to give someone hope during their hurdles?

It makes me think of this song my Lauren Daigle called “ You Say” ( if you guys can’t tell by now, I love her ) 💖

She talks of how she is fighting the voice of the enemy because he is telling her she’s not enough, she won’t amount to anything. She needs to be reminded of who is she and I’m the same way! She’s impacting so many lives with her music and she didn’t even think that was possible. So it must be possible for me too right?

I need to remember “ you say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing. You say I am strong when I think I am weak. You say I am held when I am falling short. When I don’t belong oh you say I am yours! “

It doesn’t matter what anyone will think of me, I will be doing your work and you’re going to love me and remind me that I am yours. I’m scared but ready to be used in whatever way you see fit. I’m writing this to not only tell you let’s not be scared together but to hold myself accountable. To let you know I am trusting God with whatever he feels will reach people. I hope you will join me and trust in him as well.

The journey of stepping outside of our comfort zones is going to promote so much maturity and growth in ourselves. I can’t wait to grow in my walk with the Lord. I can’t wait for someone, anyone to have that breakthrough.

“ A comfort zone is a beautiful place but nothing ever grows there! “

Until next time 💫🌻

Sober…

Disclaimer, I defiantly got this tittle idea from Demi Lovato song “ Sober “

Addiction : the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.

See being addicted to something isn’t necessarily drugs or alcohol, it’s amongst so much more. Addiction for me would have to be self harm. That was my battle for awhile and i guess it recently just became it again.

So many people will say wow that’s so stupid but let me ask you this. How can you understand if you’ve never had to walk in that persons shoes?

You can’t simple as that and it’s not for you to understand. If you’re a family or friend of someone that does it, it’s your job to just be there and support them in there “ sober “ journey.

I recently realize I might suffer from anxiety I can’t know for sure because I’ve never actually been to the doctor for it. It’s just this feeling I get that makes me think yup this is pure anxiety. I panic, breathing hard like I’m searching for air which I guess would be a panic attack. My thoughts race and I often get unwanted thoughts.

It often happens when I’m upset and feel I can’t properly express myself. I get so mad and frustrated and get anxiety and most of the time I want to punch the wall or hit something but most of the time that thing is myself. I self abuse. It’s not something I can explain but the simplest way I can explain it is it’s a release. I know what you’re thinking though, why don’t you just hit the wall then? I’m not sure why I do what I do I just know when it happened the first time it just became easier to do it again. I know there are other outlets which I have found and I’m still finding more but with all addiction some people “ relapse”. That was me recently. I honestly feel so ashamed and just embarrassed because I had done so good for so long but this time I couldn’t control it. It was like I didn’t care at that point. It never happens like that, I usually asset the situation and can get a hold of it. That day I just didn’t care, I had reached my point. I couldn’t express myself, I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling, everything was building up and something snapped within myself. I just became so mad and I was the “ punching bag “ at that point. I think I’m the problem and that could be why I end up the target and not something else. I often think I must be crazy to even let it get to this point, but if I’m crazy so is everyone that battles with any kind of addiction and that isn’t always the case.

In this desperately sad moment is when I really cried out to God. Any anger I had I expressed it, any regret or resentment I had I cried it out to him. For some reason the next day I felt compelled to tell one person about this and in doing this God really revealed himself to me. I NEEDED to cry out to him. I needed to know I can’t do this alone. God told me don’t feel ashamed, this is a apart of your testimonies the way I will bring you through this will bless someone else.

It’s crazy because as I wrote this I had no intention to post this but twice now now I have felt God tell me no express this. Be open and honest. Be transparent, this is my calling for you right now.

So I want people to know you’re not crazy. You will fall but trust me you can get back up! I’ve done it before and God says I’ll do it again. Honestly most of my “ relapses “ have been a one time thing. I need to remember, whatever it is I’m facing my God is greater. Sometimes it’s not that easy to just stop and hand things over to God but God gives greater grace and that what I have to remember daily. I have my why moments and I try not to but I’m human and they come.

I want to apologize to myself but most importantly God. I disappointed him and let the devil win in away. I gave into temptation instead of giving it to him. I wonder how could he love me when my life’s so ugly but he came down and died for me.( totally just quoted Lecare) He forgives and his grace and mercy is so incredible. I don’t deserve it but he gives it anyway. That’s why I got my tattoo anyways, to remember Gods unfailing, merciful love.

It’s a part of who I was, God is still working on me. One low point doesn’t define me and I need to realize that. If you’re reading this and you love and care for me please try not to worry to much. I know it’s hard but God has me, I have him. God is love. God is the God of healing, the God of restoration.

I need to remember to seek him first above all else. When times get to rough, seek him. Cry out to him and pray crying if I have to. He’ll hear me, he’ll work it for my good. I’m still learning and constantly growing. I’m not perfect and that’s okay!

Until next time 💫

Cry Pretty…

“ Im sorry, but I’m just a girl not usually the kind to show my heart to the world. I’m pretty good at keeping it together I hold my composure, for worse or for better so I apologize if you don’t like what you see but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and falling apart is as human as it gets. You can’t hide it, you can’t fight what the truth is ”

I don’t think I’ve ever related to a song more than right now! Cry Pretty by Carrie Underwood literally speaks to my life.

A friend of mine once told me your feelings are like the waves in the ocean. Some will hit you calmly and some others will hit you hard. It honestly might even knock you down and you’ll be taken back and surprised.

I feel as if I am that girl, the one you look at and think she has it all together. It sounds like she’s going through something but she’s still smiling anyways. I’m pretty good at keeping it together but this song showed me sometimes I don’t want to keep it all together. I’m hurting right now in my life and thats OKAY!

“ You can pretty lie and say it’s okay You can pretty smile and just walk away pretty much fake your way through anything but you can’t cry pretty “

Oh yes it’s so easy to “ pretty lie “ about what you’re feeling and then deep down still be so broken up over it. Sometimes I think I don’t want to be broken, I want to feel the emotion no matter how much it might hurt. I’m going through a break up and this shit hurts more than I ever thought possible. My feelings are so up and down right now. I put on a pretty smile when I’m at work or when Im out with people but I’m secretly crying non stop on the inside. I don’t vent about the situation because of my own fear of being judged for feeling the way I do. I often tell myself forget this I want him and only him so nothing else matters even if it might. As much as everyone says it’s for the best, I often times don’t feel that! I wonder how people can know what’s best for me and I don’t even know what’s best. I know it’s my constant up and down emotions again but I sometimes just wanna feel them! I can easily pretty smile and walk away but sometimes I don’t want to but my fear stops me. I’ll say I’m fine or even ignore the question and hell change the subject. Most of time no one notices or maybe they don’t care, I don’t know.

Recently, I’ve noticed its been hard to keep my composure. I let all this stuff build up and then eventually one way or another it will all come out. You can’t pretty cry. Honestly it’s uncontrollable. You try and hide it but you can’t, once you break that facade it’s like a river. All that stuff you put aside, all the ” I’m fines ” come out to be total lies. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do I do it myself? My pride is ridiculous sometimes. I don’t want to be “ weak “ but I have to learn crying does not make you weak. Sometimes you just get tired, tired of pretending to be okay. So tired of fighting tears. I feel so broken sometimes. My heart just hurts. Im tired of being so strong for so long. You get tired of having it all together and sometimes you need to fall apart. I literally just did right before I posted this. It doesn’t mean I won’t build myself back up. It might take time but I’m sure I will one day. I look back on all that I’ve been through in life, stuff that literally should’ve broke me but I’m here.

I guess my realization in all of this is it’s okay to not be okay all the time. It’s okay to fall apart and then re group. You can cry and don’t worry about who’s watching or what they’re thinking, no one can pretty cry.

I simply want to encourage you all, to let it all out!! Kim Kardashian cry! Haha but in all seriousness, you don’t have to be strong 24/7 honestly I’ve never met someone that doesn’t cry. No one in this world is that strong.

Cry it out, pray about it and get it back together 💖

Until next time 💫

Who Do You Stand For?

Soooo sometimes well mostly when I can I like to go to this place called “ Safehouse “ on Monday nights. One of my friends and her husband actually started it up. How Safehouse works is basically there is a message ( usually pertaining to God ) that is being given for about 15 minutes or so and then a question follows. The question is of course about the message and it honestly just makes you really think.

This week the message was about representation.

What is something you represent being a Christian?

If I’m being honest, I wasn’t even sure how I was going to answer that question or even the true nature of it. After hearing the people that went before me and the answers they were giving it started to make more sense. Then I instantly knew what my answer was. I hate that I always get so nervous when it comes to me having to speak and answer anything that might make me search deep or have anyone look at me differently because I’m so use to having a wall up and being this happy go lucky person. Safehouse and this blog is definitely helping me become more transparent.

I’m gonna share with the world my answer tho! Yay lol… * secretly scared *

I represent the weak and the strong if that makes sense. Okay, when people look at me they see this girl who’s kind and caring and smiling majority of the time. You would think generally I’m a happy person. Granted we’ve all been through some things but you wouldn’t know that or maybe I should say you wouldn’t know what by the appearance of somebody. You wouldn’t think I’m this girl that’s suffered more losses than a person should have by the age of 24. I’ve lost 3 of the most important people in my life. Two of them being both my moms and then my brother. You wouldn’t think I’m a recovering self abuser who used to think that was her only way to cope. I started my senior yeah of high school and had constant relapses during that time period. You wouldn’t know that today 5/14/18 I almost slipped and fell back in. You wouldn’t think I’ve had thoughts of suicide in the past. All my life I’ve been told how strong I was was being able to handle my shitty situations so well but deep down I was really going through hell. I felt alone in my own world. I battled with depression and and quite frankly since I’m being transparent I honestly believe I still do sometimes. What I mean by saying I’m also strong is, all through I’ve been through hell in my eyes, I made it out. I haven’t self abused in about 3 years and even though I almost slipped I didn’t. I got my shit together and went to Safehouse. Community helps! I’ve suffered those losses and yes they still hurt like hell but I’m pushing through. Slowly but surely. I represent the people that think they can’t get through the hard stuff but actually they can! I’m called to help those people see the brighter days, to bring them to Christ.

What do you finally need to accept and embrace about yourself, rather than seeing it as a weakness?

I think believing I’m weak and feeling ashamed is my weakness. Like I said I’ve made it through a lot of that and I need to focus on that and not the bad. I feel ashamed because of the way I dealt with things but I need to think how many people can I save with my testimony? One of my favorites artist Emeli Sande has a song called “ read all about it “ I honestly felt like she was singing that song to me when I first heard it.

“ You’ve got the words to change a nation but you’re biting your tongue. You’ve spent a life time stuck in silence afraid you’ll say something wrong. If no one ever hears it how we gonna learn your song?

So come on, come on.

You’ve got a heart as loud as lightning

So why let your voice be tamed? Maybe we’re a little different there’s no need to be ashamed

You’ve got the light to fight the shadows. So stop hiding it away “

Why hide my scars and not expose them? How can anyone grow and come to learn how MERCIFUL and WONDERFUL God is if I’m stuck in silence. I have a voice to change a nation ( ok well some people) so why am I biting my tongue?

2 Corinthians 12:9 says

“ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. “

I’m ready to stop being afraid and ashamed of my weakness but be the voice for God. I’m ready to be the representation for the “ weak but strong “ I’m ready to serve and lead where I’m needed.

I hope you’ll go on this journey with me of self discovery in Christ.

Until next time 💫

I miss you..

Loss is inevitable, it happens everyday all times of the day, different places in the world. Coping with the loss of someone you love is one of the biggest challenges you’ll face. The pain can sometimes feel like to much. I would know, Ive suffered plenty of loss in my life.

About a year ago I did a post about forgiving the man who killed my brother. Although I feel as I was able to forgive him it doesn’t take the pain away.

I recently was sent every letter that my brother had sent to him in jail because the person who had them felt that I should have them instead and I’ll be forever grateful to that person for that. I only went through and read mine and came across a small paper that read “ here is a picture I thought you would like. You’re my brother, my best friend and I need you here to walk me down the aisle. “ I immediately shut down, I was instantly sad and in tears. It broke my heart at that very moment when I realized that what I wrote would never happen! I would never get that moment to have with him to tell him one day “ don’t worry I found the one you can let me go “ even though I’m almost positive he wouldn’t anyways! He would’ve always been over protective of me and all his sisters. Reading my letters just brought back so many memories. Even though him being in the Jail was one of the toughest times for him and I it made us closer than what we already were. I was able to check him and tell him what was wrong and what was right and the same for him. I told him things I wouldn’t tell another soul. So when I says he was my best friend and I lost a part of me, I really did. Reading the letters and then going to find the ones he sent me just made the lost even more real than what it was. It brought immediate sadness to my heart.

I’m not sure if it’s just the letters or that fact that his anniversary is coming up but it’s been heavy on my heart lately.

I miss my brothers smile, the way he would laugh at my jokes even if they weren’t funny. I miss going into his room and he’d always go “ what do you want now Ashley ?” but he’d still let me stay and hang out. I miss the petty arguments and fights and being body slammed by him as kids even though I wanted to kill him for it haha. I miss having that person that I could run to no matter what. I miss having someone to face the hard times with, that knew what was going on because he was facing them too. I miss the fact that he’s missing milestones in my life. I miss celebrating things with him. I’ll always miss little things about him and I’ll always feel sad when I think about his life but I do try and smile at the good times and be grateful for the memories.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. He was such a light in this world, it was defiantly way to soon for his light to dim out. God knew what he was doing though and I try not to question it.

I’ve had to learn that’s it’s okay not to be okay and to cry and let things go. It’s how you truly cope with things. I hate crying in front of people so I typically wait till I’m alone. I use to wonder if that made me look ashamed but now I know it doesn’t. I care about my surroundings and I hate to bring anyone else down. I’m just that kind of person that if you ask if I’m okay I’m just going to end up crying more.

I’ll never be fully okay with the fact that he’s gone and I’ll never stop missing him but maybe somewhere down the road it will get easier to cope. I truly believe that.

I believe one day I’ll see him again and I can’t wait till then💕

R.I.P Christopher Torrey Delaney

Until next time 💫

Once And For All…

I’m telling you inspiration really is special and it will just hit you out of nowhere. I was impacted today and I hope this inspires you..

Do you ever feel that all your “ junk “ might be a burden? I know I do. Recently I was introduced to this artist by the name of Lauren Daigle and one of my favorite songs of hers is “ Once And For All “ and the meaning behind the song is strong and so powerful it truly inspired me.

“ God I give you all I can today these scattered ashes that I hid away I lay them all at your feet from the corners of my deepest shame. The empty places where I’ve worn your name. Show me the love I say I believe. Oh Help me to lay it down, oh lord I lay it down“

If you’re wondering what she means by those words. I’ll go ahead and give you my take on it.

Often times we all try to deal with all of our own issues by ourselves. It might seem like we don’t want to burden others but mainly God with all our pain. We bring things to him but then burry the most hurtful things in our hearts because it hurts to much or we’re to disappointed or Embarrassed in ourselves.

The thing most people forget is that God loves us so much, he cares more than we know. I’m one of those people that forget that very thing. Jesus said come to me and I’ll give you rest and trust me he meant it whole heartedly 💕

If you let go of all the things that hold you down you can finally have peace.

If I told you everything I needed to let go of we’d be here forever and you’d stop reading so I’ll only name a few but they’re the most important ones for me.

Forgiveness, I struggle with this personally. Holding on to past misfortunes. Brokenness and bitterness. Often when it comes to family and being done wrong. I’d be lying if I said I’m not still hurt by the past and by that I mean my childhood. Yes, I still carry around things that happen to me so many years ago. Whether that be not feeling appreciated or loved. Being mistreated, being told I wouldn’t amount to anything. Oh I heard that one from multiple family members multiple times. The feeling of being abandoned by my birth parents. I’m hurt because as a child is often seemed as if my own parents (mainly my dad) didn’t care about me and if I’m honest it still feels like that at least with my dad and he might not even understand but how could he if he never had to be in my shoes or if I don’t ever speak my truth. The only thing I hold on to with my mom is, why did the drugs seem to matter more than me? I couldn’t live and be raised by you because of it. I’ll never get a answer because she unfortunately passed away when I was 8. I had a relationship with her, she got clean and was around in my life but as I got older that was just one question that stuck around in my mind. My dad wasn’t around a lot at least in my eyes and now as I’m older it’s like he only talks to me to ask me for stuff. He knows this because I’ve expressed it but he brushes it off and says it’s not true. Do you ever feel like things are a certain way because you don’t try as well? I do but then I think to myself I am the child and he should try harder not me. I know now that I do have to give that brokenness and whatever bitterness I have to God because that’s when I’ll truly feel more at peace and if I’m not at peace I’m at war. A war within myself at that. Not forgiving is holding me back from other blessings and miracles in my life. It’s keeping me attached to the hurt.

Another issue I deal with is my need to be “ perfect “ or maybe another word would be self pity. I’ll never be skinny enough, they told me I was fat back then and look now I am. I’m not smart enough and people will think I’m dumb because I didn’t do certain things with my life or I made a comment that wasn’t correct. I’ll never be good enough to move up at work. They’ll find something to pick at. ( this could very well be my own insecurities) People will expect to much of me and I’ll never measure up. I’ll never be Christian enough because I can’t recite everything off the top of my head. I’ll never be enough period ! It seems foolish but it’s things that go through my mind and it makes me tear myself down. I need to let go of self pity. I’m not a victim but a survivor of so many things!! I’ve overcame so much and that should matter more. There’s so much more I could touch on but I’ll leave it for another post.

You see it’s so easy to let things keep you at bay. God is saying no, all that stuff you feel give it to me and I will give you peace. Nothing is to big or too much for him to handle. Nothing you’ve done is to disappointing or embarrassing for him. Listening to that song makes me want to cry and let everything go! It reminds us of of the power of Jesus’s sacrifice and sings of finally letting go of these things that have weighed us down and kept us from going all the way in with him ONCE AND FOR ALL 💕

I strongly encourage you to listen to that song and pray that it moves you like it did me. I pray that whatever weighs your heart down that you lay it all down. That you find peace and finally let go of the war within and be able to rest. I love you and so does Jesus!

Until next time.. 💫💖

My Purpose..

If you were to ask me what I thought I should be doing with my life when I was just a child I would’ve told you ” everything “. This is true, I wanted to do a little bit of everything and truthfully I still kind of do. I wanted to be Wonder Woman, the girl that could do anything, the girl that could work in 3 different fields if she wanted. I use to wanna be a pediatrician. I loved kids. Actually, I still do. I feel that now I don’t know if I could bare giving a child and their parent any bad news. Seeing a child suffering just didn’t seem that rewarding anymore. Then, I wanted to be a lawyer. I was set on this one for awhile. I just knew I had the power to help people and put the bad guys away. I talked a lot as a kid and asked a lot of questions. My mom use to say ” Ashley, you really need to become a lawyer because you ask so many questions and you probably could catch someone in a lie ” . After that I just knew I was going to be one. Foolish of me, I let people crush that dream for me. I was always told that you need to be a straight A student to even think about being a lawyer. Don’t get me wrong I was a smart kid but all A’s was never really me. I think being young and naive I let that get into my head to much and I gave up on it. I knew school would be long and rough. I’m sure the reward would’ve been amazing at the end but I had also realized over time that it just wasn’t truly what I wanted. 

Fast forward to life after Graduation. I was so conflicted on what I wanted to do career wise. My brother was in jail at the time and I had him in my ear telling me I should be a cop. Let me just tell you now I knew that wasn’t a life for me. No way. I even thought about getting into corrections but more so the counseling part of it but Is it weird if I say that I just thought after awhile that college wasn’t for me? So then I decided to try beauty school. I had a cousin that went and she was doing so good at it. I thought to myself ” I do everyone’s hair anyway, why not try this?”. It was the best decision of my life thus far. I knew after being in school for a week that I loved it and that it was right for me. The feeling I get after giving someone a complete make over and hearing how good they feel about themselves is exactly why I do this. I can completely change the way someone thinks and feels.
There has always been this part of me that feels I want to work with foster children as well. I’m just not sure if it’s as a social worker or as a activist for foster youth. 
Let me tell you what purpose means. 
Purpose – 1. the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists. 

2. have as one’s intention or objective.
Soo.. now I can tell you what I think my purpose is. 

I think my purpose is to help people. I’ve been through a lot in my life and I feel that my pain, my strengths and my stories can truly help someone. Some people just need to know that there not alone in their struggle. There’s other people that have been through what they’re going through. Doing hair allows me to do that to an extent. When someone sits in my chair and pours there heart out to me, that’s my chance to speak into there lives and help them. Weather it be just listening to them or changing there outlook on the situation. Someone once told me that my words are powerful and I have the power to completely change someone’s mood and it took me a minute to realize that maybe they were right. I feel like that’s also why I want to work with the foster youth. So many of them feel like they don’t have a voice and that’s not the case. I want to help them find that voice and speak up. Speak up on physical and verbal abuse. Speak up on the issues they don’t feel are being solved or prioritized. If no one else is going to care then I will care enough for everyone! I grew up in the system, although I lived with my own family I didn’t have the best social worker. I didn’t feel they really cared enough about my needs. They didn’t care about my life situations just how I was doing in school. I get that they were trying to take my mind away from the things I was going through but at the same time it’s only taught me how to bury issues rather than dealing with them. I know I have a background and a voice to make a difference in people’s life. I’m ready to continue on this past and fulfill God’s purpose for my life. 
I’m ready to be a servant and to let God use me how he sees fit. 

Open Letter To The Man Who Murdered My Brother…

I can’t believe I’m writing what might be the most painful thing to write. I know if I don’t that I’ll just bottle it up inside and never find peace. I’ve suffered a lot of loss in my life but the one I least expected was my brother Christopher. April 26, 2014, I’ll never l forget the day. I got a phone call from my sister. She was crying and asked me if I had heard from our dad.  I told her no. She then proceeds to tells me our brother is dead. At this point I’m just in shock, questioning if this is real… with tears flowing down my face.

My world stopped with just one phone call. Hearing the details was the most heart breaking part. Hearing your brother was murdered is enough to make anyone go mad. A single shot to the torso without any chance of survival. He died in less than a minute. I can only imagine the pain he felt. I constantly think “If only I could know his last words. If only someone could have been there to hold him, so he wouldn’t be alone while taking his last breath!”  I wish I could’ve taken away his pain. I wish I could’ve traded places with him.

THIS is to man who took his life, I just want you to know what kind of light you took from this world. 

Dear Someone,

He was a Son, Brother, Friend and a Boyfriend. He was only 22 years old with so much more life to live! He had so much more to accomplish! He put a smile on my face every time he’d come around. He didn’t have an easy life and we had gone through traumatic experiences together. Chris never let that define him as a person. He knew he would always be okay in the end. That’s what I loved most about him!  He was the optimist to my pessimist. He was funny, loving and one of the most caring people I knew. He was more than just my brother, He was my best friend. He was someone I could count on to help keep myself in check. Someone to motivate and encourage me. He was that person for everybody. He’d let you when you were right but oh did he let you know when you were wrong too!

If you would’ve asked me a year ago to forgive you, my answer would’ve been hell no. You’re a selfish monster who didn’t care who you hurt. Fighting over petty stuff…I bet you didn’t think twice about pulling the trigger. Now you have to live with what you’ve done. You devastated a family.  What angers me most is that the police have no idea who you are. It’s been almost 3 years now with nothing new on the case. Sometimes I wonder if they even care. I guess it’s true what they say, if you don’t find a lead in the first 48 hours the case goes cold. 

I’m at a different stage in my life now. I’m still angry but I don’t let it consume me. My walk with God is so much stronger than it was a year ago. As much as it still hurts, knowing he’s gone and he won’t be coming back, I know in my heart that he’s found peace. That’s all I could really ask for. I still cry sometimes, but I always hear him in my ear saying ” It’s okay Ashley, I’m okay. ” and that brings me the biggest relief.

So.. NOW I can finally say, I forgive you. It’s not easy to say out loud so I had to write it down. I had to realize that forgiveness was for me not you. In forgiveness I find peace!  I now have more control over my life. 

My faith in God allows me to truly believe that justice will be served and my family will finally find peace.

R.I.P Christopher Torrey Delaney

12/26/91-04/26/14 

A Little Introduction..

I’ve been inspired to pick up the pen well keyboard again to release everything that’s on my mind. I used to write so much back in the day and honestly I don’t know why I stopped. There were times when I thought my poems weren’t good enough. When it came to writing about my life, I thought ” Who’s actually going to want to read this?” I realized that a part of me has always felt that if I didn’t speak or write about the hurt, that the pain would just go away. That’s not the case. It just builds up and well we all know how that turns out in the end. I’ve come to a realization that I wasn’t just writing for people to read, I was writing to give myself peace… to let go of some of the things I’ve been feeling and holding onto, but also in hopes that the people reading would understand me better. Putting my all into my writing could potentially be a beautiful thing. With this blog you’ll get a little of everything. Nothing is off limits. I won’t limit myself to just one topic. My life is just too complex for that.

This is just my perspective of my own life.